Reflections

25 Apr 2011 1 Comment

by robinstory in Uncategorized

As I think about going into what should be my LAST surgery, I find myself looking back over this whole, long, terrible journey.  I have such an odd mixture of feelings.  Horror, anger, sadness, frustration . . . joy, gratefulness, peace, inspiration.  It has been LONG.  One year and four months long so far.  The intensity of my fear in the beginning is matched only by how grateful I feel sometimes when I realize that had I NOT found that lump . . . or had I waited . . . I don’t know if I would still be here.  Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed with God’s goodness to the point of tears.  Other times I find myself frustrated with the discomforts that will never go away, but will always be a part of me and always a reminder of this year and four months.  The toe that has constant neuropathy, and the occasional neuropathy that I get in the balls of my feet.  The extra forgetfulness/inability to recall things as quickly as I would like.  I really didn’t need EXTRA forgetfulness . . . The awful naval hernia that made itself known during my run with Taxol and has continued to cause a problem ever since.  And of course, the most obvious, my chest, that will never, ever be the same.  Completely numb (and will never get any feeling back), scar across the width of each one, only a tattooed nipple.  My rib cage displaced on the right side – having been pressed inward by the expander for many months because of the radiated skin and muscle that just would not stretch.  Dr. Madry says it may never fully go back to its original state, and if it does, it will take 6 months to a year.  I could go on.  Really.  My whole right arm and hand have issues.  Nerve pain and lymphedema.  I SO hope that removing the expanders will relieve the pressure on the nerve and over time will allow my hand/arm to return to normal.  But I don’t know if it will.

I know what you’re thinking.  “WHOA!  Such a negative post  . . .”  LET ME FINISH!

The moments I find myself most frustrated, I stop and reflect.  This is an ongoing process.  It has to be repeated – often.  The further I get from the first mention of cancer, the easier it is to be MORE frustrated MORE often.  DAILY I have to stop and think back, and I am frequently overwhelmed by gratitude once more.  I have suffered, yes.  BUT, I have also found a closeness with Jesus I never knew existed.  I wish I could still experience that every day.  I get glimpses of it from time to time, and while I wouldn’t want to go back to that place in the middle of all the yuckiness, I am so grateful that I had the honor of being so CLOSE to Him.  I think of the outpouring of support and love I received from so many people.  Dinners, cards, gifts, people cleaning my house . . .from neighbors, friends, family, and the church – even some people I don’t know and in some cases have never met!  Knowing that people around the world were praying for me was both humbling and amazing.  I FELT those prayers like I have never felt anything before.  Somehow, those prayers put a cloud of peace and comfort under me, and I knew it.  I was blessed from every side.  It was a trying time for all of us, but really, truly, Dave and I DID grow closer together through this experience.  I found the guest book to our wedding and someone wrote “May you develop such a oneness that when one of you cries, the other tastes salt.”  It brought tears to my eyes because I believe that happened this year.  I have developed a new passion for life, as well as a deeper sense of compassion for the hurting.  It has brought new life.  New appreciation.  New joy and a renewed desire to soak up the experiences of life and time with friends and loved ones.  An appreciation of the exhaustion that comes with living life instead of the exhaustion that comes from poison stealing energy and life from you.

There are days when I just want to feel whole and complete, without all the nagging discomforts on my body.  But they really are reminders – EVERY DAY – for me to look up to Heaven and say ‘THANK YOU for healing me!’  ‘Thank You for giving me more time with my kids, my husband, my family and friends.’  I have learned that I am okay with who I am – if I would have had my life cut short, I was okay with ME, but I was NOT okay with the idea of leaving my kids behind.  Even now I am overwhelmed with gratitude . . . and despite my discomfort and pain, my life is richer because I had cancer.  Only God can do that . . .

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