My humps.
20 Dec 2010 4 Comments
It’s been far too long. I really want to start posting more frequently, but often don’t because up until now this has been a breast cancer blog. There isn’t a LOT going on with me and my cancer journey right now, so I haven’t had much to say about that. I will start blogging more – about other things as well – breast cancer from time to time, but life, too. It’s a good practice to have and I enjoy writing. That said, I’ll talk about reconstruction a little today, but from here out it won’t necessarily always be cancer stuff. 
RECONSTRUCTION. We’re back in full swing with expansions. Pre-radiation the expansions were EASY. Post radiation they are a little harder. The radiated muscle on the right side of my chest/under my arm does NOT want to stretch. Not even a little bit. So each expansion hurts a little more than the last – only on that side. At first I wasn’t sure what was wrong. There were sharp pains that went into my back (right under my shoulder blade) that felt like I had a rib “out” of place. Pains up in the top of my shoulder and shooting down my arm into my hand. And pains under my armpit. The pains went away after a couple days, and I was able to connect the dots and realize that it was all related to the expansion. I am determined to get some elasticity back in those muscles. I spend a lot of time rubbing my armpit, and I get Dave to dig into my shoulder blade. It does seem to help to work the muscle. Thankfully, only a few more to go.
The question on everybody’s mind, of course, is “how big are you going to go?” Haha. Yes, a sensitive subject, and yet you might be surprised at how many people have an opinion on this. Everyone except the people I WANT to have an opinion about this . . . my doctor just kept saying “don’t get hung up on cup size. When you’re happy with your size, let us know and we’ll write that down and then expand you 2 or 3 more times so we have some extra skin/muscle to work with”. Having been on the smallish side before all of this, I don’t know WHAT I’m “happy with”. I feel HUGE, but I know I’m not quite as big as I feel. These things are so inflexible and ROUND. Good heavens – I have lumps under my arms and I can’t lay on my stomach at all!! So how do I get to where I have some size, but am not completely ridiculous? How do I know? These do not look natural. Because they are so round, they seem bigger than they are because it’s like I’m wearing the most obnoxious push up bra I could find. I’d hate to keep going only to end up a DDD or something. Dave wasn’t helping at first either. Trying so hard to be “sensitive” and telling me “I want YOU to be happy with them” was not doing me any favors. I don’t really CARE that much as long as I don’t look like Dolly Parton . . . this is YOUR chance to pick the “perfect pair” for your wife (within reason!) He’s finally opened up and had that conversation with me, AND I finally got the nurse practitioner who does my expansions to help me put a number on it. I feel confident in saying that this one (I go in today) or the next one will be my “last one for size” then I have 2 or 3 more to over-expand. But it’s nearing the end. She did tell me to expect (with the over expansion) to feel completely obnoxious and porn star huge before I get that final surgery. These unyielding, hard, round things on my chest will be quite large having 2 to 3 extra expansions and I will be feeling like they enter the room before I do . . . I guess I’ll get to know what Ana Nicole Smith feels like. Maybe. Not quite that big . . . maybe. Mercy. Kaylee has ‘bumped her head’ on them more than once and just says “that’s how I know you’re MY mommy.” GREAT. I do look forward to swapping these things out for a softer version!!! Hopefully that happen in Jan/Feb. It will make a nice birthday gift for Dave.
My friend Karen went with me to a dr. apt. in Oct. & took this.
Decorating the tree!
Dec 20, 2010 @ 16:02:51
Robin’s sisters and I (her mom) have had several discussions on this topic and we always end up laughing. We never would have thought we would be discussing this topic! We sympathize with her of course, but she has a sense of humor about it that is just precious. She has had so many opinions given to her about what size she should be that she was getting a bit confused, and that is the recipe for her humor to come out. We are so glad to be able to laugh with her.
Dec 28, 2010 @ 17:15:32
Robin,
We got your Christmas letter yesterday, and that was the first I heard about your breast cancer. Thank you for sharing the truth! I always do love your Christmas letters, but this year, I thought you were amazing. It was difficult for me to hear about how much pain you have gone through, but only because I care about you. So many people diminish their feelings regarding pain and suffering, but I really appreciated your honesty. Thank you.
That being said, you know I will now read and keep up with your blog. I am thinking about you. Love, Janine
Dec 28, 2010 @ 20:58:29
Janine,
Blessings to you & your family – and Happy New Year!
Thank you so much . . . I thought of you when I was writing it because I was pretty sure you didn’t know. I care about you, too . . . and I am thankful for you despite the distance. It’s so hard to keep up because we’re so far away, but you are special friends to Dave & I. I hope you are all doing well . . . thanks for taking the time to read my blog. There is a lot there . . . I hope you didn’t try to read it all at once! It’s been quite year. One I will never forget, though in some ways I wish I could, and in other ways glad I won’t. But overall, I am just so grateful. And ready to move on to whatever God has for me next.
Love,
Robin
Feb 03, 2011 @ 21:15:39
Robin,
How are you doing?
Love, Janine